Are you interested in acquiring the brilliance of Nicklas Bendtner? Well unless I'm talking to myself -- which I am -- you're not worthy of it. But since I am talking to myself and I'm looking exceptionally good today -- as I am every day -- I will reveal a set of transfer demands so great that it will make you pregnant. And yes, I can get pregnant. I can do everything.
-First, Nicklas Bendtner demands money in the amount of "the most." That's non-negotiable. It doesn't matter exactly what you pay me, just so long as it's more than everyone else, so I can point that out to the other players at moments of my choosing. Which will be all the time.
-Second, since the quality of footballers is often based on the transfer fee paid for them, mine will be infinity. Think it's not possible to pay Arsenal infinity euros for my considerable talents? Don't worry about that. I'll figure out a way to make that happen. I've always been really good at math. And everything else.
-Third, I want mirrors in the showers. Don't question it!
-Fourth, my new club's manager must defer to my genius on everything. Wondering who to put in the starting XI? Bendtner. Need someone to take credit for the win? Bendtner. Want someone to promise they will marry your daughter and then leave them for a more beautiful woman in the most emotionally shattering way possible? Ha ha ha Bendtner.
-Fifth, chicken nuggets must be served at all team meals. Because chicken nuggets are the only food worthy of Nicklas Bendtner.
-Sixth, I'm number one. I'm also every other number.
-Seventh, my new club will ensure that no one mentions that time my pants fell down outside a nightclub. That never happened!!!
-And eighth...Bendtner.
Photo: Reuters
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