Well hello there.
I see you've caught me jetting around the world during the international break. Now that I'm retired from dominating the early qualifying rounds of international football, I, like you, must find inventive and erotic ways to occupy my time during the many long and tedious international dates. And since you're not currently making out with me right now, I'm assuming you're quite bored. So here are a few arousing options to help you fill your Berba-barren minutes.
-Read a magazine The Berba Way: Right now I am reading The Economist because I require intellectual stimulation just as much as physical stimulation -- which you can begin at any time, by the way. But instead of reading it in the unintelligent way it was written, I change every third word to either "sexy," "thrusting," or "mayonnaise" to ensure every article is titillating and meaningful. So while we wait for my hot tub filled with dairy products to heat up, you can do the same with the issue of Playboy beside you. Ha-HA!
-Play a board game The Berba Way: Board games are often thought of as activities for slow children and elderly couples who can't afford lubricants, but this is not entirely true. With slight modifications, board games can bring enjoyment to groups of all legal ages. For example, in the back of this plane, I have a custom Monopoly board that looks very similar to a water bed with a large video camera manned by my cousin Timitar at the foot of it. Would you like to start a new game by drawing a custom Chance card? Ha-HA! ... No, you can't use a "get out of jail free" card to force me to never speak to you again.
-Loitering in department store dressing rooms The Berba Way: Would you like to meet new people and see them in various states of surprise and undress? Then partake in the very best form of volunteer work as an unpaid yet extremely "hands-on" dressing room attendant. In addition to being asked existential questions like, "What are you doing here?!" you also get the added adventure of never being able to visit the same store twice and frequent guest appearances by the local police, who present a whole additional spectrum of networking opportunities.
Of course, those are just a few of the ways to keep yourself occupied during the lack of club football. There are several more I can think of right now, but it would be best if I removed these restrictive tear-away trousers first.
Oh-OHHH! These trousers were not tear-aways! Oh, this is terrible. Not being allowed to try on clothing in certain shops is the only drawback to loitering in department store dressing rooms The Berba Way. Now I'll have to spend the rest of the flight without pants. Please alert the stewardesses. Ha-HA!
Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...
Photo: Getty
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